I decided to write a pretty personal Monday Confessions today. This time its not a How To or a Tips post, but more of something thats been sitting on my mind for last few weeks and I couldn’t think of anyone better to share with but you guys.
It took me a while to get over a period of my life that I thought was very difficult for me, and now that I am 100% over it I can finally write about it. Now I am not going to go into too much detail what it all was about just to avoid people comparing it to things much worse, and misunderstanding me. All I can say that there was a time when I felt under a lot of pressure. I felt like I was at a crossroad in life and that I had to make a decision, not any decision – a right one.
I felt like this several times in my life, but every time it would be worse than the previous. I guess I just take these things very seriously, like what university to go to, which degree, I was so scared of making a wrong decision, that in the end I let go and totally went for anything. I was scared.
However the time that I want talk to you happened approximately 5 years ago, when I graduated. I was out of university and worked on my placement year. It was nice to work but it was also almost like living a fake life.Every day on my feet 8:30to 7pm hours were too long, I was so tired. Weekends would be so short that I wouldn’t even have a time to do a thing. I was feeling that life is just going away, week after week my life was really pressurising me. It was depressive, not creative, and I didn’t know the way out.
I wasn’t scared of working you see, I was scared of getting trapped into this routine of working in a place which I am not happy at, for so long that I cant quit any more. I call it a machine, when you get sucked into something and then there is no way out. There were so many decisions to make, but not many options. I had two options, one was to stay working at this job, 40 hours per week in order to get my working visa renewed, the other options was not to do the pharmacist job, but that meant I cant stay in the country, as in order to get a work visa in UK you have to have a certain level job. Not doing a job I hate would also mean not being around my boyfriend, my friends, my sister and my whole life.
Odlucila sam da danas napisem post koji je malo privanije prirode. Ovaj put to nisu saveti niti “Kako da…” post, vec jednostavno moje misli sazete u nekoliko pasusa, stvari o kojima sam razmisljala u poslednje vreme te mislim da ste vi savrseni ljudi sa kojima bih to mogla podeliti.
Trebalo mi je dosta vremena da saberem u glavi sve emocije iz jednog perioda koji je za mene bio dosta tezak. Necu previse da ulazim u detalje jer znam da ce neki pogresno protumaciti,drugi reci da ima gorih stvari na svetu i slicno, ali sve je u tome kako se mi nosimo s cim. Svesto mogu da kazem je da sam bila pod velikim pritiskom i da sam se osecala kao da sam na nekoj raskrsnici i da moram doneti odluku, ali onu pravu.
Ovako sam se osecala par puta u zivotu ali nikada nije bilo tako naglaseno kao poslednji put. Valjda ja jednostavno sve to shvatam jako ozbiljno, kao npr koji fakultet upisati. Toliko sam se bojala da cu doneti pogresnu odluku, da sam nakraju donela bilo kakvu. Bojala sam se.
Ipak nasla sam se u ovakvoj situaciji poslednji put pre manje od 5 godina, kada sam diplomirala. Zavrsila sam skolski zivot, dobila posao i pocela da radim svaki dan od 8:30 do 7 uvece. Osecala sam se kao da zivim neki tudji zivot, bila sam iscrpljena. Vikendi su trjali kratko, a ja nisam imala vremena da radim ono sto sam zelela. Osecala sam se kao da zivot prolazi, nedelja za nedeljom, a da me zivot pritiska. Bila sam melanholicna, nekreativna i nisam znala kako nazad iz zacaranog kruga.
Nisam se bojala posla, jer sam zapravo vikende provoodila slikajuci autfite, odgovarajuci na komntare, mejlove, nisam spavala do podne ili leskarila. Ono cega sam se bojala jeste rutina. Bojala sam se da cu zaglaviti na ovom poslu i da cu tu ostati iz navike, godinama i tako zauvek. Ja to nazivam masina, kada vas sistem usisa i ne znate kako izaci napolje. Bilo je vreme odluka, ali ja nisam imala izbora. Dve opcija i svaka sa negativnim stranama. Jedna je bila da zadrzim posao, te budem na radnom mestu 40 sati nedeljno – nezadovoljna. Druga je bila da napustim posao, ali to bi znacilo i Englesku, jer bez odredjenog posla nemozete dobiti radnu vizu koja je potrebna za boravak u Engleskoj. Kada bih zaista stekla mogucnost da vise ne radim, onda bih morala napustiti zemlju u kojoj je ziveo moj momak,moji prijatelji, sestra, zemlju u kojoj je tada bio mo zivot.
The decision was pressing me so much that I would ignore thinking about it, but the panic would kick in when I least expect. Why am I writing this? Because 5 years later I am still in England, I found a way to do what I love, to travel the world, to live where I want to live and to experience some of the most amazing things ever.
This hit me the other day when I was in Cannes, I thought how only not that long ago I kept thinking that everything in my future looks like a sacrifice, sacrifice doing what you love or living where you want to live, until I made it happen. I followed my heart, I believed and sure stressed a lot, but in the end it all worked out. The impossible happened, and there I was posing on the red carpet doing something completely different than only 2 years ago when I was still practicing as a pharmacist. Is this reality I asked myself
I wrote this post to inspire you that really anything is possible, because wasn’t money or connections or anything else that got me happy ending. Money cant help you get a work visa, just like connections cant help you when you are at a job you don’t like 40 hours a week. It was a bit of luck, a bit of faith and a lot of hard work. Now I think anything is possible and wanted to inspire you to think positive on this gloomy monday. Don’t take any life situation for granted, it can be better, it can be worse. But if you are ready to give 120% of yourself for a dream anything can happen.
Odluka me je toliko pritiskala da nisam mogla ni da mislim o tome, panicila sam i kada nisam o tome mislila. Ali zasto vam sada to pisem? Zato sto 5 godina kasnije zivim u Engleskoj, radim ono sto volim, putujem svetom i dozivljavam stvari koje nisam mogla ni da zamislim.
Ovo sam shvatila neki dan kada sam bila u Kanu, jer ne tako dugo mislila sam da je moja buducnost velika zrtva necega, uglavnom srece, dok se stvari nisu promenile. Pratila sam srce, verovala u sebe i naravno mnogo se nervirala, ali su stvari ispale bolje nego sto sam mogla planirati. Onda se ono nemoguce desilo, ova zabrinuta devojka sa svezom diplomom u dzepu par godina kasnije seta crvenim tepihom na filmskom festivalu. Jel ovo realno, pitala sam sebe?
Napisala sam ovaj post jer sam zelela da vam kazem da je sve moguce, jer novac i konekcije ne znace srecan zavrsetak. Novac vam ne moze resiti sve probleme, kao naprimer osigurati radnu vizu, a konekcije vam ne mogu pomoci da zavolite posao na kom ste. Bilo je tu malo srece, malo vere i puno posla. Sada mislim da je sve moguce, i ovim mislima zelim da vas inspirisem ovog ponedeljka. Ne uzimajte nijednu zivotnu situaciju zdravo za gotovo, moze biti bolje, moze biti gore, ali ako ste spremni da date 120% sebe vasi snovi mogu postati stvarnost.
