How to stay unaffected under social pressure || Monday Confessions

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This topic came up to my mind in that phase of waking up. You know it, still sleeping but sort of thinking and getting various ideas in your head. This is usually the time that I get the best ideas and when I feel that I think outside of the box.

Social Pressure is something we have all been faced with at some point in the life. You know what I am talking about: You need to go to university because that is what society expects, you need to get married, if you are married you must have children. Why are you not having children? You also must wear your wedding ring, cut your hair certain way and cook for your husband. I honestly am so happy that I was raised in a way where nothing was “normal”, which made it all so super acceptable for me later in the life.

I grew up being sad that my family was not normal. When I say normal I mean my parents used to work a lot, I would often see my mum pretty late in the day when she would come home ask me if I did my homework and kiss me good night. My dad was not much around. He was working away and due to his work and self improvement spent a lot of time abroad, in countries such as China or Sweden. I sometimes wished my parents were “normal”. You know mum would be in the kitchen with an apron around her hips and dad would come home, read news paper and flick channels on TV all while being grumpy and criticising politicians. Why did I want this “normal”? Because that is what I saw in schools, what I heard from my friends and what I though made my family weird.
There was a lot of social pressure when my friends would ask me if my father exists and if I am being raised by nannies and grandparents.

I never looked on the bright side, I just felt different and under pressure thought I need to lie. I never was really good at it, so I mainly stuck to not talking about my family. Social Pressure made me upset instead of happy,because I couldn’t see well enough how lucky I actually was. My both parents worked so much so that my sister and myself could have best possible life. We weren’t a “normal” family because we didn’t need to spend all the time in the world together to know that we love each other very much. Thanks to my parents I learned that working hard means being happy and having a life you want to have.

Growing up I ran into different challenges from the society. I went to public high school where I started learning not to give in under social pressure. In my class of 36 there was not a single student who had all A’s at the end of the year. It was uncool, you would be considered as too keen, as too dedicated and as someone who dent have a social life. I knew that crumbling under this pressure would mean not getting into the school I wanted and started fighting the peer pressure. I was the only student in my class with all A’s at the end of the year and my classmates finally started respecting me for that at the end of the final year.

Peer pressure got me when it came to dressing, I always tried to experiment, but in my city or in my country it was not so acceptable. The environment was quite small and you would have to dress and look certain way otherwise you would be talked about, laughed at and other things that as a teenager you didn’t want to be. So I tried to dress just like everyone else. A lot of times my parents would bring me some really expensive pieces from abroad, but I wouldn’t wear them as I didn’t want to stand out. This is where I felt that social pressure was affecting what I did on daily basis.

My sister is probably going to kill me for saying this, but I experienced the most social pressure now through her experience. She has been with the same man for I think 11 years now ( I stopped counting when it was 10 so maybe I am wrong). They have been engaged for years now but didn’t get married, yet question number one is everywhere she goes “Why aren’t you married?”. When you live with someone and have children with someone, does it really matter if you are married or not? Is that the only way one can live their life? And where is this book of rules, because I am so interested in reading it. I think that a huge percentage of people who do everything by the “Rule Book” do so because of the social pressure. You know it, get married, have babies, and later regret it because that is not something you wanted to do.

Same goes for studying, or dressing, or socialising. There is no right or wrong to do things, you can just be you. Getting into university was the time that I got to learn how to fight with social pressure. My mum wanted me to stay in Serbia, my dad wanted me to study in Austria but I wanted to go to England. I knew that easiest thing would be to accept one of their offers and just stop listening about it. But I knew that if I did that, I would regret it, be angry I didn’t try one thing I wanted to do and I would probably be bitter about it forever. I decided that for the well being of relationship I have with my parents I need to listen to my heart, even though that meant constant explanation of my dream for 3 months.

We all have something we wish society would accept. But if we want judging to stop we have to stop judging other people.

I now know that in order to be a truly happy person you should not crumble under the pressure of the society. Don’t get talked into as little as buying a pair of shoes you didnt want before you walked in that shop. Don’t change your plans because society expects you to. You don’t have to have a 9-6 job, you don’t have to get married, have babies and cook for your husband or provide for your wife. You should be free to do what YOU want to do. Be yourself, do what you want to do and follow your path, that is the only way you will honestly be fulfilled even when you make mistakes.

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Ova tema mi je pala na pamet jutros izmedju sna i budjenja. Znate oni trenuci rano ujutru kada niste u dubokom snu, ali niste ni budni, tada mi se uglavnom javljaju ideje za sadrzaj i cesto razmisljam na drugaciji nacin.

Pritisak drustvene sredine je nesto sa cim smo se svi sigurno susreli nekad u zivotu. Znate o cemu govorim: Moras ici na fakultet jer to drustvo ocekuje, moras se udati, a kad se udas moras roditi decu. Zasto jos nemas decu? Zasto ne nosis vencani prsten? Osisaj se kao sto se svi sisaju i kuvaj svom muzu. Iskreno danas mogu reci da sam jako srecna sto moja porodica nikada nije bila “normalna” u smislu sta se ocekuje od drustva, tako da se osecam mnogo slobodnije danas da budem ono sto jesam.

Dok sam odrastala bila sam tuzna sto moja porodica nije bila normalna. Kada kazem normalna, mislim na to da su moji roditelji jako puno radili, mamu bih videla tek kasno uvece kada bi se vratila sa posla, poljubila me za laku noc i pitala da li sam uradila domaci. Tatu nisam mnogo vidjala, ili mozda ne toliko koliko sam zelela. On je radio mnogo i cesto zbog posla ili edukacije bio u inostranstvu te stoga neke moje rane godine provodio u Svedskoj i Kini. Ja sam ponekad tajno zelela da imam “normalnu” porodicu. Znate onu gde mama provodi veliki deo dana u kuhinji, a tata sedi ispred televizora, menja kanale, gleda u novine i gundja o novinarima. Zasto sam mislila da je ovo normalno? Zato sto sam to videla u skoli i zato sto su me druga deca stalno pitala zasto me u skolu dovode dadilje, bake i dede, da li imam tatu i zbog toga sam mislila da sa nama nesto nije u redu. Ovo je bila moja prva spoznaja drustvenog pritiska.

Bila sam previse mlada kako bih shvatila pozitivnu stranu svega toga. Mislila sam da moram da lazem da je moj tata kod kuce i nekako bila cak srecna kada me je uciteljica pitala da li mi je mama napisala domaci. Zapravo to nije moglo biti dalje od stvarnosti.Drustveni pritisak me je rastuzivao umesto da sam shvatila koliko sam zapravo srecna. Oba moja roditelja su radila, vodili su velike firme kako bismo moja sestra i ja imale uslove za dobar zivot i skolovanje. Nismo bili “normalni” ne zato sto se nismo voleli, vec zato sto smo mogli da budemo drugaciji jer nam dokaz o ljubavi nije bio potreban. Zahvaljujuci mojim roditeljima naucila sam da biti srecan znaci raditi mnogo, a raditi mnogo znaci biti uspesan i ostvariti svoje snove.

Kasnije sam se susrela sa drugacijim izazovima od strane drustva. Isla sam u opstu gimnaziju gde sam ucila kako da se nosim sa pritiskom. Srednja skola je zaista bila vise zivotna skola nego bilo sta drugo. U mom odeljenju od 36 djaka niko nije imao sve petice na kraju. Ukoliko vam je skola isla prozvali bi vas streberom, neko ko nema drustveni zivot, neko ko je previse posvecen ili cak ocajan. Ipak, znala sam da ako padnem pod pritiskom okoline necu upisati fakultet koji zelim da upisem i necu ostvariti ono sto zelim. Bila sam jedini djak u mom razredu koji je imao sve petice na kraju, a moje kolege iz odeljenja su naucile da me cene zbog toga na samom kraju cetvrte godine.

Peer pressure got me when it came to dressing, I always tried to experiment, but in my city or in my country it was not so acceptable. The environment was quite small and you would have to dress and look certain way otherwise you would be talked about, laughed at and other things that as a teenager you didn’t want to be. So I tried to dress just like everyone else. A lot of times my parents would bring me some really expensive pieces from abroad, but I wouldn’t wear them as I didn’t want to stand out. This is where I felt that social pressure was affecting what I did on daily basis.

Ipak pritisak me je slomio kad je bila rec o oblacenju. Oduvek sam volela da se igram odecom ali u mom gradu ili generalno u zemlji ovo nije bilo toliko prihvatljivo. Okruzenje je bilo malo i ukoliko biste izgledali drugacije nego sto drustvo nalaze bili biste ismevani i podvrgavani ruglu.. Pokusavala sam da se ne isticem previse. Mnogo puta bi mi roditelji donosili po neki skup komad iz inostranstva ali ga ja ne bih nosila, kako ne bih privlacila paznju. Ovde sam najvise osecala pritisak, pogotovo jer su ostala deca primetila da imam tendenciju ka drugacijim stvarima.

Sestra ce me verovatno ubiti sto pisem o ovome, ali sam najveci nepotreban pritisak primetila kroz njeno iskustvo. Ona je sa svojom jacom polovinom cini mi se 11 godina (prestala sam da brojim kada je bilo 10, tako da mozda i vise). Vereni su godinama, ali pitanje broj jedan je uvek bilo “Zasto niste u braku?”. Kada zivite sa nekim i imate decu sa nekim da li zaista ima veze da li ste vencani ili ne? Da li je to jedini nacin na koji neko moze da vodi zivot? I gde je ta knjiga pravila jer bih volela da jeprocitam. Mislim da ogroman procenat populacije zivi po tim nekim nepisanim pravilima, po pravilima drustva. Veza, brak deca, a onda se pokaju jer shvate da to nije ono sto su ONI zeleli vec ono sto je drustvo ocekivalo.

Ista je stvar kod obrazovanja, oblacenja, druzenja. Nema pravog nacina, treba svako da prati svoj put. Kada sam upisivala fakultet tada sam naucila i da se borim sa pritiskom okoline. Moja majka je zelela da ja ostanem u Srbiji, moj otac je hteo da se skolujem u Austriji, ali ja sam zelela da idem u Englesku. Znala sam da bi najlakse bilo da prihvatim jednu od njihovih ponuda i da prestanem da slusam o tome. Ali sam znala da ako to ucinim necu nikada preboleti sto nisam uradila ono sto sam JA zelela i da cu ih kriviti za odluku koju su mi nametnuli. S obzirom da mi je odnos sa njima jako bitan kao i odnos sa samom sobom, odlucila sam da se borim ta tri meseca i svakodnevno vodim razgovore kako bih bila srecna dugorocno. Nisam popustila pod pritiskom.

Svi mi imamo nesto sto drustvo ne prihvata toliko, ali ukoliko zelite da osudjivanje prestane, morate poceti tako sto cete prvi prestati.

Znam dakako bismo zaista bili srecni ne smemo popustiti pod pritiskom drustva. Ne dozvolite ljudima da vas ubede ni u sta, ma ni u kupovinu novih cipela koje niste zeleli. Ne menjajte svoje planove jer to okruzenje ocekuje. Ne mora svako imati posao 9-6 pet dana u nedelji, ne morate se vencati, ne morate imati decu ako ih ne zelite i ne morate kuvati za muza ukoliko to nije ono sto podrazumeva vasu licnost. Budite slobodni da radite ono sto VI zelite. Budite to sto jeste, pratite svoj unikaran put, jer to je jedini nacin da budete srecni cak i onda kada napravite gresku.

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23 Comments

  1. Anonymus
    Apr 27, 2015 / 7:51 pm

    svaka čast na razmišljaju! Svakim sljedećim postom me sve više oduševljavaš! Stvarno ti se divim kad jednoj mladoj, pametnoj, ispravnoj i uspješnoj djevojci! Puno pozdrava! :*

  2. tasha
    Apr 27, 2015 / 7:59 pm

    AMIN! Drago mi je da vidim da tolerantni ljudi sirokih shvatanja jos postoje. Ceo zivot slusam o tome kako sam cudna jer imam razlicita razmisljanja od vecine. Da li je toliki greh ne zeleti decu, ne biti vernik itd.?! Propustila sam dan kada su uveli zakon o misljenjima i stavovima… Valjda je vazno kakav je neko covek, a ne hiljadu drugih, nebitnih stvari. Vazno je odrasti i prestati traziti potvrdu i prihvatanje od strane drustva. Uvek postoji neko ko ce nas razumeti i prihvatiti nas onakve kakvi smo. Stavise, voleti nas upravo zbog toga sto jesmo. Na kraju krajeva, jos vaznije je prihvatiti sam sebe i vise vam niko nista ne moze. Pozdrav za Tamaru, i bravo za tekst ;)

  3. Allegra
    Apr 27, 2015 / 8:55 pm

    Thank you for post! So true, everytime I struggled with myself it was because of others, it was because of the ”rules of the best way to live”. There is no standard recipe for happiness, it is all individual and there is a lot of ways to be successfull, heck, you just need to convince yourself in your worth and start loving yourself. Also, having a supporting family is true blessing :)

    Kiss

  4. ivana split
    Apr 27, 2015 / 9:04 pm

    Istina je da čovjek nikada ne može biti sretan ako ne donosi svoje odluke i ne stoji iza njih…ljudi često krive društvo, ali na kraju dana, nitko nas ne može prisiliti da nešto napravimo, mi sami smo odgovorni za vlastitu sreću (ili nesreću). Ponekad je jednini put do vlastite sreće kroz teškoće i od toga ne treba bježati. Odlično napisano.

  5. Jovana
    Apr 27, 2015 / 9:16 pm

    Great read.

    Always stay true to yourself and sky is the limit! :)

    Best,
    Jovana

  6. Marija
    Apr 27, 2015 / 9:41 pm

    Odlican post! :) :*

  7. Apr 27, 2015 / 10:45 pm

    I love your Monday Confessions Tamara and this is no exception.
    I fell for some of the social pressures too before thinking I needed to get into university to have a good social life and to get more friends but realizing that it’s not about the norm and that setting your own path and finding other ways that best match you is the best option. I saved myself owing money and wasted time too..your posts always inspires me and I love that we get some insight about you too <3

    http://amelodyofdiaries.blogspot.co.uk/

  8. Apr 28, 2015 / 2:38 am

    SUPER POST!! U are always so real, and willing to share your life.. that’s why I love reading ur blog! muah x

  9. Danijela
    Apr 28, 2015 / 9:25 am

    Kada je neko uspešan u onome što radi , okolina se svojski potrudi da pronađe nešto što nije dobro u njegovom životu i da se nekako uteši time. Verovatno su ti drugarice u školi zavidele na tome što si mogla da kupiš šta god poželiš, da putuješ gde god poželiš,što imaš odlične ocene…pa su utehu nalazile u tome da te pitaju gde su ti roditelji i koliko vremena provodiš sa njima kako bi te povredile. To je tako prirodno i ljudski i verujem da bi to isto doživela i da si tako odrastala u Engleskoj a ne u siromašnoj Srbiji. Ljude , koliko god obrazovani i pametni bili i koje god nacionalnosti i društvenog statusa bili, uvek pokreću ljubav, mržnja, zavist, ljubomora…Raspisah se a ne želim da preteram.
    Moram samo još nešto, pročitaj molim te… Nema apsolutno ničeg lošeg u tome da se devojka uda i kuva i ugadja svom mužu i deci ako je motiv za udaju ljubav a ne očekivanja okoline. Ti si veoma pametna i nezavisna na čemu mogu da ti pozavide i muškarci ali može da bude jako lepo i kada imaš pored sebe nekog ko će da ti pruži sigurnost i pored koga ćeš moći da se opustiš. Kad sretneš nekog takvog (možda već jesi ali ti treba vremena) poželećeš i da se skrasiš i kuvaš mu i rađaš…jer i to je sigurno deo tvoje prirode i ne treba tu ljudsku prirodnu potrebu da se s nekim podeli život stavljati u isti koš sa zlonamernim primedbama zavidne okoline.
    Puuuno pozdrava iz jednog sela pored Niša !!!!

    • Sanja
      May 2, 2015 / 1:34 pm

      zar nije poenta da sama žena ostvari osećaj sigurnosti za sebe, a ne da traži od muškarca da joj to omogući? ni sigurnost ni sreću ne možemo pronaći nigde sem u sebi.

  10. Danijela
    Apr 28, 2015 / 9:40 am

    P.S. Pribojavam se da se nisam najbolje izrazila i da ćeš i mene svrstati u te što vrše pritisak a to nikako ne želim. Htela sam da kažem da ti okolina traži nešto što ti još uvek nemaš i upire prstom u to. Grešiš samo ako, zbog toga što ti to okolina nameće kao neophodno, počneš negativno da gledaš na ostvarivanje porodice. Onda će “oni” postići svoj cilj . Joj , valjda me nećeš pogrešno razumeti …Pozdrav!

  11. Apr 28, 2015 / 9:42 am

    your monday confessions turn out to be one of my favorite posts of the week :) really love this one as well because it’s so true

    http://fashionbarbecue.com/

  12. Apr 28, 2015 / 9:53 am

    What an interesting read Tamara. I think when we’re younger it’s so easy to conform to peer pressure, I know I did, but as you get older & more confident in yourself you start to realise what makes you happy.
    Hugs Adele xoxo

  13. Apr 28, 2015 / 1:40 pm

    So true and such an interesting read. You really are my favourite blogger because you are so open all the time.

  14. Apr 29, 2015 / 10:59 am

    Great post! Social pressure can be too much at times. The sooner we start to live by our own rules the happier we become. Live for yourself not for others!
    Chichistashan.blogspot.in

  15. Apr 30, 2015 / 9:21 pm

    Ovo me je upravo navelo da ponovo razmišljam o fakultetu koji sam jako želeo ali sam zbog toga što s njim nema posla odlučio da ga zamenim za sličan :/

  16. May 1, 2015 / 12:26 am

    Treba ignorisati pritisak okoline jer dovodi do neraspoloženja,neraspoloženje do neproduktivnosti.Ne treba lupati glavu oko toga. Vidiš tvoja sestra je odabrala ono što je najbolje za nju i tu je jedan divan dečak kao rezulat svega. I velika pusa za njega :)

  17. Anonymus
    May 2, 2015 / 8:59 am

    Svaka cast za tebe,devojko. Ponosna sam,sto jos uvijek postoje ljudi koji ovako razmisljaju. Upravo ono o cemu si govorila,to su sve “kliseji” koje drustvo namece. Svako od nas ima pravo na svoje izbore i na svoj zivot. Ja recimo zelela sam da upisem medicinu ali sam upisala gimnaziju. Upravo zato sto su moji roditelji to zeleli. Nije ih bilo briga sta ja zelim,govorili su kako medicina nije za mene i da ce mi to biti najveca greska. Ali u stvari greska je bila ono sto su oni predlozili a ja posto sam bila pod stalnim pritiskom prihvatila. Kada je trebalo da krenem na fakultet pomislila sam da jos uvijek ima nade za mene i moju medicinu ali roditelji su zeleli da ja upisem pravo. I opet ista prica stalni pritisak roditelje,doveo me je do toga da danas radim posao koji ne volim. Naravno na svoje roditelji ne mogu biti ljuta,ali definitivno sam razocarana. Ljudi moji pratite svoje snove,pa nece roditelj biti srecniji ako je dete nesrecnije.Isto tako i sto se tice braka i dece,imaju malo cudan stav o tome.Ali ja ipak,gledam dosta drugacije na neke stvari za razliku od njih… Ali dobro sta se moze. Savet za buduce generacije, ne dozvolite da bilo ko utice na vas,ipak je zivot samo jedan i treba da budete ono sto zapravo jeste i da radite ono sto zapravo zelite a ne ono sto drugi ocekuju od vas. Budite srecni. Tamara jos jednom svaka cast i pozz za tebe. <3

  18. milicanstvena
    May 3, 2015 / 9:23 am

    Sa svakim novim postom me inspirišeš i daješ mi nadu da ljudi ipak mogu biti skromni i vredni, a da se uporan rad isplaćuje. Svaka čast, radujem se tvojim novim postovima :)))

  19. tiana
    May 6, 2015 / 9:50 am

    Tako me inspirises i stvarno je divno citati tvoje postove… Odlican ti je nacin razmisljanja i mislim da si tu gdje jesi iz tog razloga.
    :) pozdrav

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