Fear is something we are not born with, its something we develop, we convince ourselves in and something that is there to make our lives harder. There are so many different fears out there, including one of flying, heights, water, people and one I will be talking about in this post-fear of failure.
Why did I decide to write about this topic? Because I think that fear of failure is often thing number one that keeps us from succeeding and doing what we want to do in life. Fear of failure is the reason we don’t experiment, the reason why most of the people lead average lives,neither good nor bad, but certainly not lives of their dreams.
When thinking about my elementary education, it brings me to certain people in my class who would study all the time and know absolutely everything in biology or physics, but would never dare to say anything in the class if teacher would ask. They would be the ones saying the answer quietly, to the other student who would then be brave enough to say it and get the good grade. Pretty unfair, but thats life…
The same applies to so many different things in life. Like asking for things, when I was younger I would sometimes not even ask my mum for stuff because I knew the answer would be no. But occasionally I would be brave enough to ask and be surprised by a YES. How many times before did my fear stop me from getting what I wanted? Who knows, but one thing is certain, I didn’t let the fear stop me from moving to England even though it was a big internal battle. I also learned that if you don’t ask you don’t get.
There is so much you are risking, but money and time is the first thing we usually think of when deciding on changes.
What if I start this university in England, I hate it, and I waste my parents money? What if I fail the year and have wasted not only a year of my life, but we have to pay again for the school fee? What if my friends forget me and I don’t make new friends in England? There were so many “What ifs” and they were not giving me wings, they were cutting them off, as the fear was paralysing, it was not letting me live to my full capacity.
This is highly linked to my previous Monday Confessions post about confidence, and trust me if I didn’t build a bit o confidence by then, I would have decided to stay in Serbia. It certainly was an option, I had everything at home and my mum made it clear by saying “We will not be disappointed no matter what you decide”. My passion said go, but my fear said stay. It was a whole mess I had to deal with in my head.
As everything in my life, I decide on things in spur of a moment. I think about them for days before, and even if I am not sure, I just randomly do them, I was always like that. I knew that this was the way to fight the fear, I would let it develop in my head, and that is why I don’t think too much about certain things. One day I just said that is it, opened my inbox, replied to University of Brighton saying I accept their offer and cut the misery there and then.
I would do the same regarding everything, when I was quitting my job, I got to work one day, grabbed the land line, called the area manager and told him I am leaving, before I could change my mind. Not only in academic or business world, but the same goes in private life. When you are in relationship that you know is not healthy for you, but you are extremely in love, it can seem almost impossible to get out. Same rule applied in my past, just get it over your lips, cut to the chase and told myself, I will be okay, no matter what! If its over for us, it doesn’t mean its over for me. And never regretted the decision.
That is the main point, being there for yourself. What does that really mean? It means that you need to tell yourself even if you do it and it doesn’t work out, at least you tried. Only time in life I regretted something was when I just missed opportunity and didn’t try at all. That thought me that actually what counts is the effort not the final result. Why is fear paralysing? Because even though it keeps us safe, it actually stops us from being who we want to be and from doing what we are supposed to be, because it reminds us that actually we could regret doing all of that and end up being much worse of. We always think about what if we fail, what if we fly?
Now, fighting fear of failure doesn’t mean that you should be reckless and invest all of your money into something that has no future, that you don’t know much about or in first thing that comes your way. It just means that when you want something you should listen to that inner feeling. It also doesn’t mean that you should be doing dangerous stuff and ask for trouble, as that is just being stupid.
As I am writing this I just arrived to South Africa. After doing some research I found out that the country isn’t one of the safest in the world. Its beautiful with incredible views, wild animals, different culture and Cape Town views on Atlantic and Indian Ocean. The fact that country is dangerous did not stop me from coming to experience this amazing place, but also doesn’t mean I will wonder off by myself in search for penguins or party places, thinking oh I am not scared nothing will happen to me. Not having a fear of living also means being cautious when you need to be.
That brings me to a memory from teenage years. One summer I went for a holiday with a group of people, there were these two girls that always acted like they are 5 years older than everyone else, pretending to be brave and fearless just to impress others and be cool. Every time I would suggest that something could potentially be dangerous, they would just laugh about it, saying that I am stupid for thinking about dangers. Lets just say that before the end of the holiday they both were broke, as one lost her money and the other got robbed. Both because they were “fearless” but really they were just reckless.
As much as fear can be your biggest enemy, it can also be a friend, warning you that there are some things that could have big consequences, like trying drugs or getting involved in illegal business, you all know the drill. What matters is that you get rid of that paralysing, dream stopping fear the one that keeps you at home, the one that keeps you being ordinary that doesn’t let you travel, explore, that same fear that blocks your knowledge when a lecturer asks you question, fear that makes you shake before the first date or fear that keeps you unhappy because you are worried to be what you would love to be.
Want to be a fashion blogger, but you are scared to wear what you feel like wearing? Maybe that is exactly what is stopping you from being successful. I can just say that I am so grateful to understand this fear and to acknowledge it enough in order to fight it. That is what lets me live my life to fullest, spread my wings and enjoy this beautiful flight also known as life. Grab every opportunity with both of your hands, take a deep breath and don’t let the fear stop you from being the best possible version of yourself.
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Strah je nesto sa cime nismo rodjeni, nesto sto razvijemo, u sta se ubedimo i nesto sto cini nase zivote tezim. Postoji mnogo razlicitih strahova, strah od letenja, visine, vode, ljudi I onaj o kome cu danas pisati – strah od neuspeha.
Zasto sam odlucila da pisem o ovoj temi? Zato sto mislim da je strah od neuspeha razlog broj jedan koji nas drzi podalje od ostvarenja snova. On je razlog zasto ne eksperimentisemo, zasto vecina ljudi void prosecne zivote, ni lose ni dobre, ali sigurno ne one koje zele.
Kada razmisljam o mom osnovnom skolovanju, padnu mi na pamet neki djaci koji bi uvek ucili i znali ama bas sve. To su ona deca koja nikada ne pricaju na casu i kada profesor pita nesto iz biologije ili fizike iako znaju odgovor nikada nece podici ruku da ga kazu. Tiho ce ga promrmljati svom drugu iz klupe koji ce se javiti i za taj odgovor dobiti peticu. Mislite da je ovo nefer? Takav je i zivot…
Isto mogu primeniti na mnogo stvari u zivotu. Kada je rec o pitanjima, mnogi od nas posustaju da pitaju jer se boje ismevanja ili odricnog odgovora. Kada sam bila manja nekada ne bih ni pitala mamu za dozvolu jer bih znala da ce odgovor biti ne, ali s vremena na vreme bih skupila hrabrosti da pitam i bila iznenadjena sa velikim DA. Koliko puta me je strah zaustavio da dobijem ono sto zelim? Ko zna, ali jedno je sigurno a to je da nisam dozvolila strahu da me zaustavi kada je u pitanju bila selidba za Englesku iako je ovo bila velika bitka unutar mene same. Takodje sam naucila da ako ne pitate necete ni dobiti.
Postoji toliko toga sto rizikujemo kada su promene u pitanju, ali uglavnom svi prvenstveno mislimo na novac i vreme. To je ono sto najteze gubimo.
Sta ako krenem na fakultet u Engleskoj i ne dopadne mi se, novac bi bio bacen? Sta ako padnem godinu u izgubim sve to vreme plus moram razocarati roditelje koji bi opet placali moju skolarinu. Sta ako me prijatelji u Srbiji zaborave a ne steknem nove u Engleskoj? Bilo je mnogo tih “Sta ako” a oni mi nisu davali krila, vec su i ih razarali, posto je strah bio paralisuci nije mi dozvoljavao da zivim u svom punom potencijalu
Ova tema je dosta povezana i sa prethodnom, jer je samopouzdanje neophodno da donosite odluke. Da nisam bila samouverena sigurno bih ostala u Srbiji, jer je i to bila opcija od onog trenutka kada je moja majka rekla “Sta god ti odlucila mi necemo biti razocarani”. Zelja za uspehom mi je govorila idi, ali me je strah zadrzavao i pravio haos u glavi sa kojim sam se morala boriti.
Kao i sve drugo u mom zivotu, nakon nedelja razmisljanja, ustala sam jedno jutro, sela za kompjuter i odlucila da tad i tad zelim da presecem ovo maltretiranje same sebe. Otvorila sam inbox i poslala email University of Brighton administratoru i rekla da prihvatam ponudu. Ugasila kompjuter i odahnula. Znala sam da je ovo jedini nacin da se izborim sa strahom.
Isto sam radila i kada su druge stvari u pitanju, kada sam napustala posao, nakon razmisljanja od nekoliko meseci jedan dan sam dosla na posao, uzela fiksni telefon, okrenula menadzera regije i rekla mu da napustam posao. Nisam htela da dopustim sebi da promenim misljeje. Strah od neuspeha nije prisutan samo u akademskom ili poslovnom zivotu vec i u privatnom. Ako ste u vezi koja vas neispunjava koja je nezdrava za vas, ali ste mnogo zaljubljeni nije lako doneti odluku i saseci je u korenu. I u ovom slucaju imam iskustvo, gde sam jednostavno prevalila reci preko usta i rekla gotovo je sa nama, ali ne i sa mnom. Nikada nisam pozalila odluku.
Mislim da je glavna stvar biti tu sam za sebe. Sta to zapravo znaci? Znaci da morate sebi reci da cak i ako pokusate i ne uspete, makar ste probali. Jedini put kada sam nesto pozalila jeste kada sam propustila priliku i nisam pokusala. To me naucilo da zapravo ono sto je bitno je kolicina truda ulozena a ne i sam rezultat. Zasto je strah onaj koji paralise? Zato sto iako nam nekada pruza bezbednost zaustavlja nas da budemo ono sto zelimo, jer nas podseca da bismo mogli pozaliti promenu i zavrsiti gore nego smo poceli. Uvek mislimo na posledice ako padnemo, ali kakve su nagrade ako poletimo?
Boriti se protiv straha od neuspeha ne znaci da treba biti nesavestan i uloziti sav svoj novac u neki projekat ili posao koji nema buducnost ili o kome ne znate nista. To znaci slusati svoj unutrasnji osecaj i svoje zelje. Takodje boriti se protiv straha ne znaci suocavati se sa opasnostima jer je to jednostavno glupo.
Tek sto sam se smestila u vilu u Juznoj Africii dok vi ovo citate. Kada sam dobila ponudu da dodjem sa Alpro timom ovde, uradila sam malo istrazivanje i otkrila kako je zemlja prilicno opasna. S druge strane to je zemlja sa neverovatnim pogledima, divljim zivotinjama, razlicitom kulturom i pogledima na Atlanski i Indijski ocean kakve samo Cape Town ima. Cinjenica da je ova zemlja opasna me nije zaustavila da podjem na put i iskusim sve te neverovatne stvari, ali ne znaci ni da cu da se upustam u neke rizike, da idem sama ulicama grada i trazim nevolju. Nemati strah ne znaci ne biti savestan.
To me podsetilo na jednu uzpomenu iz srednjoskolskih dana. Jedno leto uputila sam se na odmor sa grupom prijatelja. Bile su tu i dve devojke koje su se uvek ponasale kao da su 5 godina starije od ostalih samo da bi ostavile utisak i osecale se kul. Pretvarale su se da su hrabre, pune samopouzdanja a kada god bi im neko predlozio da nesto moze biti opasno nasmejale bi mu se u lice govoreci mu da se opusti. Ne moram vam ni reci da su obe bile bez para pre kraja odmora, jedna jer ih je izgubila, a druga jer su je opljackali dok je hodadla sama ulicama starog grada.
Iako strah zaista moze biti vas najveci neprijatelj, takodje moze biti i prijatelj u odredjenim kolicinama. On nas upozorava da postoje posledice ukoliko radite nesto glupo, kao sto su ilegalni poslovi ili konzumiranje droga… Ono sto je bitno jeste da se oslobodite tog paralisuceg straha koji vas cini obicnim, koji vas drzi vezane kod kuce, koji vam ne da da putujete, istrazujete, isti strah koji blokira vase znanje na usmenim ispitima i koji vas tera da drhtite pre bitnog sastanka, onaj koji vas cini nesrecnim jer ste previse zabrinuti da biste bili ono sto zelite biti.
Mozda zelite da budete modni bloger, ali se bojite da nosite ono sto zelite? Mozda je upravo to ono sto vas sputava da budete uspesni. Mogu samo reci da sam jako zahvalna sto sam na vreme shvatila concept straha I sto sam dovoljno upoznata sa njim da bih se borila. To je ono sto mi dozvoljava da zivim zivot punim plucima, da rasirim moja krila I uzivam u ovom letu zvanom zivot. Ugrabite svaku mogucnost koja vam se ukaze da uradite ono sto zelite, udahnite duboko I ne dajte strahu da vas zaustavi da budete najbolja moguca verzija samih sebe!
